Quiet My Heart
by alienyouthct
Summary: When the Ministry passes a particularly inane law, Hermione decides she too must obey… the letter of it. The spirit of it? Pfft. Based on the moronic 'I can't think of a real reason to ship someone with an evil character' marriage law challenge. Barely.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Quiet My Heart  
Author: JoeHundredaire  
Rating: FR18  
Disclaimer: Captain Fangirlhumper… err, J.K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter universe. Wish they were mine so I could do utterly retarded things to them and watch my bank account get steadily larger, but sadly not mine. Neither is the Hellboy universe, in either the comic or movie forms, the latter of which being what I'm using here. Not mine, don't sue, etc.  
Summary: When the Ministry passes a particularly inane law, Hermione decides she too must obey… the letter of it. The spirit of it? Pfft. Based on the moronic 'I can't think of a real reason to ship someone with an evil character' marriage law challenge. Barely.  
Joe's Note: Despite the occasional 'pretty pic' and all that you guys post, my sister goes largely unappreciated for all the help she gives me with my stories (not just art, but beta-reading and general advice) and so this story goes out to her as a great big thanks. Not that it comes anywhere close to balancing the scales, but it's a start.

* * *

_'Right here in the moment I'm given,  
I'll treasure the breath that I'm breathing.  
And I'll rest in you,  
You quiet my heart.  
Somehow every second that's passing,  
Is filled so much meaning,  
As I wait here with you.  
Quiet my heart…'_

* * *

"…you cannot be serious."

"No, he's dead, remember?" Hermione Granger gave Harry Potter her best glare for that one and her friend winced before holding his hands up in an attempt to pacify her. "Hey, you're not the only one who'd be affected by this new law if the Wizengamot passes it and I sign it into law. Muggleborns and half-bloods, remember? I'll be fair game too."

Hermione rolled her eyes at that, sitting back in her chair as she eyed the current Minister of Magic. "For what, the ten minutes it takes you and Pansy to hash out a suitable contract and find a blood quill to make everything official?" And she still couldn't believe that her best friend and the ex-girlfriend of their former nemesis had been dating since the war ended three years previously. Or that Pansy Parkinson was a halfway decent person once you got her away from Draco Malfoy.

Grinning sheepishly at that, Harry shrugged. "Actually, we're almost done with it already. Since we know it's coming, we want to be ready. The only things left to agree on are the number of children and their names. Pansy wants four and I only want the two, and while we're both okay with flower names for the girls, we can't agree on what to name any boys. Although the more I think about it, I suppose she's right: we have the money and it's not like I'll be the one carrying or caring for them, so she could have two or ten and it'd affect me about the same…"

"Well, I'm so glad things are working out for you." Crossing her arms over her chest, Hermione scowled at him. "I'm still not going to participate in this… this farce. And I can't believe you're allowing this to happen. I mean, I have nothing against Molly Weasley… well, other than being intensely uncomfortable with her obsession with trying to get me to date her soon-to-be-engaged son… but I have things to do with my life. Things that don't include being a housewife with seven children."

Harry sighed and leaned forward, pushing a piece of parchment across the desk towards her. "It's not that bad. You just need to have two children minimum and with how… assertive… you can be, I'm sure you can probably even talk your husband into being a stay at home dad so you can keep your career. You know how purebloods are; like they'd pass up a chance to do nothing with their lives. And it's not like we're going to draw names out of a hat or let them buy you at auction or something. You can have your pick of husbands."

Ah yes, just what she needed: a century of more of being glued to a differently shaped Ron. And what did she have to pick from, despite his assurances? Thinking back to the purebloods she knew from Hogwarts, Hermione struggled to think of one she'd want to tie herself to as part of this mockery of what marriage was supposed to be about. Neville had died in the final battle, Ron was Ron, and she didn't really want Molly as a mother-in-law and so even Ron's single brothers were out. Well, they were out primarily because she didn't like any of them that way but even if she'd gotten on well with Charlie or George, Molly was enough to make her keep the entire family at arm's length. Ernie Macmillian was a singularly unpleasant little bastard, she barely knew Stephen Cornfoot apart from sharing an Ancient Runes class with him, and then there were the Slytherins. Malfoy, Nott, and Zabini had all survived the final battle and managed to wriggle their way back into society, but she'd let them snap her wand and emigrate to the muggle world before she let any of those three near her. Her mind wandered to the years bracketing hers, but she really didn't know any of the boys from them. Not well enough to be comfortable with the idea of marrying them, at any rate.

Picking up the bill in question - at least as it stood; there was always the possibility of last minute alterations before the final vote - Hermione's eyes slid back and forth over the densely packed legalese. Suddenly, something hit her and she skipped two paragraphs back up in the document. They weren't that stupid, were… oh, it was the wizarding world, of course they were. Suddenly, a wide grin spread over Hermione's face. She didn't have a solution to the mess yet, but she had a path to a solution. A solution that would allow her to give the wizarding world and its pureblooded puppet masters a great big kick in the butt for their misogynistic tendencies. Granted she'd have to find someone crazy enough to help her pull it off… but she couldn't possibly be the only malcontent out there who would be outraged with this new attack on the personal freedoms of witches and wizards nationwide. She looked up to find Harry squirming uncomfortably in his seat. "Fine."

"Really? Because this is going to be hard enough to sell without the Senior Undersecretary - who's also a decorated war hero and very important person to British magical society, might I add - refusing to go along with it." Harry let out a sigh of relief, running his hand through his unruly hair. "You know that if I had a choice, I'd stop this, right? But if I do… it'd be like if I actually freed the house elves. I can do it, sure, and then the purebloods will get me booted out of office because they still hold the Wizengamot, and the new Minister will undo it. Or do it, in the case of this law. And then we're left with someone with a decent head on their shoulders out of power and Merlin knows who sitting in this office…"

Hermione nodded, placing the parchment back on his desk as she rose from her chair. "I said it's fine, Harry. I'll do it. Now, if you don't mind, I have work to finish before the end of the day. Some of us actually have to work to earn our galleons, after all."

"Hey!"

"Save it for someone who doesn't know what your schedule looks like."

* * *

Two days later, Hermione found herself sitting in a corner booth at the Leaky Cauldron, significantly less excited about the soon to be enacted marriage law than she had been in Harry's office the day she'd read it over. Flipping through the post in front of her, she scowled. No. No. Had she been hit by too many Cruciatus curses during the war? No. Not even her pen pal from France who desperately wanted to come to England to study transfiguration as McGonagall's apprentice was willing to take her offered shortcut through immigration by way of a Ministry-licensed bonder.

So much for her brilliant idea, she thought with a scowl. The only question left was did she want to turn in her wand with her resignation letter tomorrow, or keep it and begin looking into emigrating? Then a voice she hadn't heard in several years startled her out of her thoughts. "Hmm. Your mood is almost as black as my outfit. Or Dante."

Hermione looked up and let out a little shriek of surprise, flinching back in her seat as she found herself staring at a very large Doberman, his front legs resting on the table and his mouth open in what looked suspiciously like one of Padfoot's old doggy grins. Then she looked a foot to the right and… "Luna? Luna Lovegood? Is that you?"

"Well I'm certainly not Hermione Granger. That's you." Hermione broke into a wide, genuine smile at that; she'd heard more than a few students at Hogwarts fall victim to that in their time at school, as if Luna was someone who could suffer from a case of mistaken identity. Then again, these days she was decided un-Luna looking, if Hermione did say so herself.

She wasn't quite sure what Luna looked like. Her dress was halfway between the puffy cute dresses her schoolmates' dolls had worn back in primary school and a frilly French maid's outfit. Except neither generally came with torn fishnet stockings, or were accessorized with black nail polish, black lipstick, heavy black eyeliner, or silver cross earrings and a matching necklace. And while barely showing anything, the outfit managed to accentuate Luna's femininity in a way that made it very clear that Luna had left England a girl and come back a woman.

Hmm. Luna had always been one to cling to unusual and sometimes outlandish beliefs. While she personally didn't believe in the 'Rotfang Conspiracy' that Luna was convinced the Ministry was engaged in - or half of the other things that came out of the quirky blonde's mouth - Hermione wondered if she could perhaps convince Luna that the impending marriage law was a part of it and that she knew a way the blonde could strike back at the organization. Not that she thought she could outright trick Luna into anything - nor did she want to - but perhaps properly framing her proposition would increase the odds of Luna accepting it.

The law's wording was fairly simple: all she was required to do was negotiate in good faith with anyone who made an offer for her hand in marriage; since she was the one being 'generous' enough to donate her genes to the continuation of the wizarding world, the burden of courtship fell on the pureblood. If she rejected an offer, the pureblood could request she be brought before the Special Department of Emergency Repopulation where she would be forced to justify her reasons for rejecting the offer. Once she accepted an offer from someone, there were a host of other rules that came into play such as the requirement that they birth a minimum of two children, but the section regarding offers being made was the only one that mattered at the moment.

Luckily for her, the wizarding world - in their typical laziness - had framed everything in gender neutral terms so they could save time and space and create a singular section of the law that governed both pureblood women who would be courting half-blood and muggleborn men, such as the case of Pansy and Harry, as well as pureblood men who would be seeking muggleborn and half-blood brides. But it was in this laziness that her potential salvation lay, so she wasn't going to complain.

Children would be a bit more problematic… the new law specified that the matched couples would need to have a minimum of two, lest they be hit with a small annual fee for their 'selfishness and unwillingness to assist the greater good', but there were plenty of methods - both muggle and magical - that could build a bridge over that river when the time came.

And, quite conveniently, Hermione knew that with the death of her father during the war, Luna had become the sole surviving member and head of the Quirky and Most Ancient House of Lovegood… and now was a member of the 'priority' pool for purebloods under the marriage law, representing the potential end of a major pureblood line.

The only real question was… as hypocritical as it sounded even to her, it was one thing to ask a casual female acquaintance to join her in this mad experiment to circumvent this insane new law and an unhappy marriage. In Brigit's case, she would have even gotten something extra from it: immediate British citizenship, so she could finally go to Hogwarts and learn from one of the world's preeminent transfiguration mistresses. But did she really want to trap a real friend, one of the few she had, in a loveless union to save herself? Luna's voice now held a bit of an American accent; she'd probably been over there for the past few years and could return there if pressured by the Ministry. Return there and meet someone who she actually wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

On the other hand… nothing ventured, nothing gained. She could always make the offer and leave it up to Luna to decide whether or not she wanted to help. If she didn't, Hermione was right back where she started. And if she did… then Hermione was saved. But she wouldn't know if she didn't ask. "You know, Luna, I was just sitting down to have some dinner. Why don't you and Dante here join me? My treat. Maybe hearing about what you've been up to will cheer me up…"

"Actually, I'm just passing through because I don't remember where the Alley's apparition point is and didn't want to splinch myself. I need to pick up something I ordered last time we were in London and then get back to work." Oh. Well that certainly proved that Luna had an alternative available to her if she - like most reasonable women - didn't want to be chained to a man by Ministry decree and forced to breed. On the other hand, it meant that Hermione was back at square one. Hmm. Maybe Luna's employers were in need of another witch? "You can come with us, if you want. I was going to stop at The Frying Scotsman after so Dante can have a snack. We can eat and talk there?"

Hermione hesitated. This was her last chance to walk away from this insane course of action, at least when it came to Luna. She could claim she was just stopping by for a quick meal before returning to the Ministry and make her escape. But… well, she was curious. Curious where Luna had been for the past few years and what she'd done since leaving Hogwarts and abruptly disappearing. Curious if she could actually talk Luna into helping her. Curious what Luna needed in Diagon Alley. Curiosity could kill the cat… but she'd met some pretty darn tough cats in her life. Should she… yes. She'd risk it. After all, Gryffindors go forward. Flicking her wand, she gathered up her post and directed it into her briefcase before closing it and rising to her feet. "So, where are we going?"

"Ollivander's Wand Shop."


	2. Chapter 2

Joe's Note: Yay! More fic, now with actual crossover!

* * *

"You do realize, Miss Lovegood, that I am a wandcrafter and not a gunsmith, correct?"

Hermione's eyes widened at Ollivander's words, even as Luna nodded enthusiastically and she skipped up to the counter he was standing at. "It works. It's actually the second of its kind, so the person who made it for me was just revisiting familiar territory. Were you able to reassemble it completely or do you need my help?"

One bushy eyebrow rose and then Ollivander turned away, wandering back between the shelves of his shop and out of sight. "I said that I am not a gunsmith, Miss Lovegood; I didn't say I was incompetent." His voice trailed off into mutters and as seconds ticked away and became minutes in which the old man didn't reappear, Hermione looked over at Luna incredulously. A gun? What on Earth did she need a gun for? How had she gotten her hands on one and learned to use it? "Here we are." Ollivander returned moving far more slowly than he'd left, carrying a box that was easily two times larger than the average wand box, if not more. "A grossly oversized revolver made of an alloy of nickel, gold, blessed silver, and Tibetan meteoric iron, with a handle of acacia inside of which rests the core you asked me to add for you, Miss Lovegood: a hair from a thestral's tail. May I present the Chaotic Good Samaritan?"

With that, he opened the box and Hermione gasped as she took in the massive, old-fashioned revolver within. Forget where had she gotten it and how had she learned to use it… how on earth could the slim blonde lift that thing? Quite easily, it turned out. Setting down her purse - shaped like a coffin, morbidly enough - Luna hefted the revolver and tested its weight before thumbing the release latch and swinging the cylinder out, reaching into her purse and retrieving an obscenely large bullet to match her oversized gun. Holding one up, Luna allowed Hermione to inspect it for a moment before slipping it into the first chamber of the cylinder. "Red calls them Whoppers. White oak, holy water, garlic, and silver shavings for him… and a bit of naga jolokia added to that mix for mine." When all four chambers were loaded, she pushed the cylinder back into place and slid the weapon into a black holster that had been invisible against Luna's hip until the movement had drawn Hermione's attention to it. "He says shooting people full of hot peppers is cruel, but I think that if you've done something that makes me shoot at you, you probably deserve what you get…"

The idea of shooting anyone was cruel! There was a reason England banned private ownership of most any form of firearm: the things were barbaric and the average person had absolutely no need to possess one. Which then brought her back to her unanswered questions: what was Luna doing with herself these days and where had she gotten this monstrosity to bring to Ollivander to have it turned into a wand? And why wasn't she excusing herself to return to her office and contact someone over at Number 10 about Luna and her toy? Yes, Luna was a friend and all, but if she was caught up in something dangerous or illegal, she'd technically be doing the blonde a favor and… "Pay for your wand." Hermione let out a shriek as the low, growly words emerged from Luna's dog. "Pay for your wand, Luna. I'm hungry. You promised me chips."

"Yes, yes, you'll get your chips, Dante." Reaching into her coffin purse, Luna pulled out a handful of coins and offered them to Ollivander before slipping her arm through the purse's straps and turning to Hermione with a bright smile. "Shall we? I do believe I offered you dinner and you offered me conversation."

Hermione merely continued to stare in shock at Luna's pet. "He… he can speak."

Turning to stare at her, the Doberman let out a low growl. "I'm right here."

"Mmm. I'm sure Hermione realizes that, Dante. She's just not used to you yet." Approaching Hermione, Luna leaned against her and lowered her voice as her lips brushed against the brunette's earlobe. "Don't treat him like a normal dog. Dante gets tetchy about that." Oh. The dog got tetchy. Well she'd hate to have a dog annoyed at her. A slim arm wrapped around her waist and Luna rested her head on Hermione's shoulder as her free hand gestured to what Hermione had previously thought to be nothing more than Luna having odd taste in pets. "I've been very rude, haven't I? Dante, this is Hermione Granger. We went to school together. Hermione, this is Dante the Barghest. He's my partner. Although sometimes I feel like he only sticks around because he has nowhere to put a wallet and he needs someone to buy things for him."

Oh. Of course. After all, barghests could talk - among other unnatural abilities - and what better to accompany this new, darker Luna than a walking omen of death? Although weren't they supposed to be considerably more… evil looking, for lack of a better term? Huge, glowing red eyes, sharp claws, and so on? Some type of glamour charm, perhaps, to hide his true appearance from both muggles and wizards alike to keep them from panicking? Hermione opened her mouth to introduce herself to Dante properly, onto to find herself cut off. "Luna's mentioned you before. A lot, actually. I've even heard her say your name in her sleep. Although that's mostly during her good dreams." Dante's tongue lolled out of his mouth as he gave her another of those peculiar doggy grins that reminded her of Padfoot. "Nice to finally have a face for the name."

Well, it was nice to know that Luna hadn't forgotten about her. Although… what were these 'good dreams' that Luna talked about her during? Looking down at the head resting on her shoulder, Hermione found the blonde's pale cheeks blushing almost as brightly as Ron before one of his explosions. Oh. Oh! Luna had… about her? Hermione found herself blushing to match. Although that certainly made things easier for her; if Luna already liked her that way, then it should be easy to… wait! No! There was no way she could possibly go through with her idea anymore. Luna was a crazy - or perhaps 'crazier' was the more accurate term - woman now with an incredibly illegal gun/wand hybrid and a barghest as a familiar. On the other hand, she liked Hermione, was a pureblood, and watching her face off with members of the Wizengamot should they protest the union had the potential to be incredibly amusing. To say nothing of Harry's reaction… or Ron's.

It said something sad about the state of her life and the wizarding world, Hermione mused, when the only four options for her future were 'marry a potentially dark witch', 'be a pureblood's walking uterus', 'emigrate to another country', or 'give up magic'.

It said something even sadder that 'marry a potentially dark witch' was the most appealing of the future paths her life could take. Especially given she'd never even looked at a woman before in that way. And she most certainly wasn't a dog person in the least.

Sighing, Hermione gave in to the inevitable. She had plenty of questions she wanted answered first and plenty of reasons why she probably shouldn't even bother sticking around to ask them… but the price of leaving was just to high. Unless she wanted to floo over to Harry's place and beg Pansy for an introduction to one of her snobby little pureblood girlfriends, this was her last chance to use the loophole she'd found. "So, the 'Chaotic Good Samaritan'… is there a story there?"

"Hmm? Oh, Red calls his the 'Good Samaritan' after the Bible parable." Pulling away, Luna shrugged before returning her hand to the small of Hermione's back as she guided the brunette towards the door. "Wouldn't know anything about that; I keep meaning to sit down with the copy he bought me but I get distracted by important things. Like washing my hair, or brushing Dante. But anyways, mine's a bit of a play on that. Combines 'Good Samaritan' with 'Chaotic Good' from…"

Hermione tried to keep her attention on Luna's words, rather than the warmth she could swear she felt radiating through the fabric of her robes where Luna's hand lay. It seemed so surreal that a real witch, much less a pureblood, was familiar with… "…Dungeons and Dragons. My father used to play while at university and actually kept playing with a group of friends right up until I turned eleven. He said it felt a bit strange to be playing at being a wizard when his daughter was a witch. That doesn't explain how you know what it is, though."

As Luna guided Hermione through the archway and into the Leaky Cauldron, she chuckled softly. "The same way your father does, of course. I play a level six Paladin of Freedom in the campaign we just started back home. I would have been just a plain paladin but they have to be lawful good and I think I'm more of a chaotic good."

"You can say that again."

"I think I'm more of a chaotic good."

Sighing mightily, Hermione shook her head and looked down at where Dante was trotting beside her. Talking to a dog seemed so unnatural, but she might as well start getting used to it if she intended to go through with this insanity. "I set myself up for that one, didn't I?"

Dante's head bobbed a few times in a fairly decent imitation of a nod. "Yup. Now let's go find my chips."

* * *

As they wandered south along one of the Golden Jubilee Bridges towards the Royal Festival Hall, Hermione did her best to appear like she was enjoying the fried cod she had agreed to share with Luna while she awaited the quirky blonde's thoughts on the problem she found herself facing. Finally, the silence - which might have been comfortable for Luna but certainly wasn't from her perspective - got to her. "Well?"

"That's where you get water. We have one at the Rookery." Hermione sighed. As much as Luna had grown up while she was gone, it seemed she hadn't outgrown certain things. "As for your conjugal conundrum, your idea seems like it'll work in general, but my job might pose certain… difficulties… if I was the one you chose to attach yourself to. Assuming I agreed to offer you a contract for your hand in marriage, which I may or may not be willing to do because I'm not sure entirely you're right to carry the name of the Quirky and Most Ancient House of Lovegood. We have a long and proud tradition of exploring the world with open eyes and open minds, and you might be too… well…" Leaning in again, Luna lowered her voice. "…you're a bit of a boff, Hermione."

She was what? Hermione opened her mouth to argue as the blonde pulled away, only to bite her tongue. She could argue her 'boff'ness at a later date. For now, she needed to keep on task. Namely, Luna's mysterious new lifestyle that involved a figure named 'Red' and a gun turned wand capable of firing massive bullets packed with pretty much every substance known to wizardkind that reacted with a magical creature. "What exactly do you do for a living, Luna? Because it's a bit hard to try and figure out the potential complications your job would have on us attempting to marry and what the ramifications might be if we succeed if I don't know what I'm supposed to be worried about."

Dante let out a series of low, growling chuckles that were cut off when Luna turned and flicked a chip at him. Returning her attention to Hermione, Luna looked… almost uncertain. Given the blonde had been nothing but confident, a whirlwind dragging Hermione along for the ride, up until that point, it was rather jarring. "Why don't you wait until we reach the London Eye and meet Red? We're almost there and as they say, seeing is believing."

Well, if there was an altogether less reassuring response Luna could have given her, Hermione wasn't sure what it was. Not wanting to argue, though, she simply nodded in agreement and discreetly slid her wand out of her sleeve, tapping the tip against one finger at a time as she cast weak Cleaning Charms to remove the grease and bits of batter from her skin. As the silence of dubious comfort fell again, Hermione cast about for something to kill time with. "If your boss is Red, what does that make you? White?"

"Elphaba." The Wicked Witch of the West? Once again, Hermione found herself reassessing Luna and wondering how much she didn't know about this new version of her friend. And what her coworkers knew, that they would stick her with such a moniker. Luna supplied an answer, or at least part of one. "They know how I feel about animals; they met me while I was freeing illegally trafficked animals from a troll market. And they've seen me use the Killing Curse a few times in the field. So… green, terrible power, animals. Elphaba."

Hermione let out a sigh of relief. Oh. Well that made sense. Then she stopped dead, Luna continuing on without her, leaving her staring at the blonde's back incredulously. Luna knew how to cast the Killing Curse?

* * *

Hellboy was bored. Which, considering the BPRD had paid the London Eye people to leave them alone all day and also overlook the sizable quantity of food they'd brought into their capsule, was surprising. But still, even with Luna's Bag of Holding Hot Dogs and a keg of beer to amuse himself with… "Abe, I'm bored."

Not even bothering to turn away from his view of the night sky, Abe Sapien shrugged. "I told you that Luna was capable of handling this assignment on her own, Red. She's much more familiar with the area than anyone else at the BPRD and can fly and teleport to boot. You're the one who insisted that she needed to have 'experienced help' on hand in case something happened."

"So this is my fault?"

"Essentially? Yes."

As their capsule reached the bottom of the wheel and passed along the boarding platform, Hellboy perked up as a familiar voice reached him, arguing with the two human agents stationed at the capsule's doors to keep it from being accidentally boarded by civilians. As far as London knew, after all, he and Abe were merely two men in costumes, going around and around to be visible as a publicity stunt regarding the first issues of the _Hellboy_ comic being released in England. Turning around to find out what all the commotion was about, Hellboy found his two human minders bookending a pair of young women. Luna was familiar. The very nervous looking woman with frizzy brown hair and wide eyes who looked ready to scream at any moment was not. "I thought you were going to pick up your gun, not a new librarian for the base."

Giggling, Luna leaned against the brunette, arms wrapping around the taller woman's waist and hugging her tight. "This is Hermione, someone I used to go to school with. It turns out the magical government here in the UK is talking about passing a law to make different magical groups intermarry for genetic reasons. Except they forgot to say that it has to be a man and a woman marrying. So Hermione wants to marry me so she doesn't have to marry some stranger and push out babies. I warned her there might be problems because of my job, but she's still interested. What do you think?"

"…aww crap. Father's not going to like this."


End file.
